TimeLine

2007-05-14T15:04:00.001+08:00

How long have we met? I can’t remember but we are somehow at the verge of going separate ways.

It’s ironic things turned out this way after much ‘understanding’. Should we better not ‘understand’ each other too well? I felt suppressed by his air of confidence. Like he know it so well that I’ll never leave this relationship.

Why do I feel so bad the more he understands me now? Should we take a break? Should I come back to this relationship after things calm down? I can’t figure out anymore.

I’m tired but I don’t think of walking away. All I think is to take things slow again and give up on all the happy feelings love brings. Will I be sad then? I am now.

It’s complicated yet I didn’t know it’ll trap me into the big whirlpool. I feel entangle! Everything! My heart, my emotion, my rationality, my courage…

How long must I wait to find out the answer to my restless self? How to go back to happier time? How far am I from there? I believe I’ll lose more of myself shall this drag on. I’ve already lost my courage.

2006-07-01T13:57:00.000+08:00

I’m writing again…
-by Sarah Leung

It’s a cooling day at home. Here I am sitting in front of my computer typing an entry. Writing a journal is not such a good thing in fact because I only write when I am down. But today, I couldn’t even find the right headline for these words.

It will be too strong a headline if I say “I feel like a mistress”. I laughed. Is that really funny or I am being sarcastic? With the Internet nowadays, it really makes life so much easier. So I went online to search for a tag line that describes what I feel now. Instantly, all sorts of website of advertising firms pop up to catch browsers’ attention in a “please buy me” fashion. Oh my! They have nothing I want.

2006-06-19T21:32:00.000+08:00

The fear of loving once more
-by Sarah Leung

It’s strange how events of life take their turns on you. It always happen at the most unexpected place and time.

One and a half years ago, I was still grieving over the lost of a fruitless love. And ever since, I’ve been searching for some kind of peace to take me away from the blues and what happens one and a half years later? All my friends know that I want to find someone to share my life with but when someone comes along, I seem to be scared and fearful that it would turn out to be a nightmare in disguise. Just why is it so hard for me to fall in love again?

It was the late class on Monday again as I drag my body from workplace to class. Restlessly, I waited for the class to begin and more students are coming in to the lecture room. And there he came in with his backpack and sat next to me. He is like a stopwatch that makes the time seem running much faster. By the time we starts to understand a little bit of each other it was the last time we will be having class together.

I thought I’ll never see him again. I thought he is someone who only stops-over for awhile so I see no point in knowing him too well. To me, making friends in class is an absolute waste of time. And what’s the point when there are no drop-dead gorgeous guys in class?

But life has its way. It trapped me in the most difficult situation and gave me no sign to the exit. Now, I’ve learnt the only way to escape is to draw one myself.

2005-10-30T22:03:00.000+08:00

How would you know it’s time to give up?
-by Sarah Leung

For the past days, I’ve asked myself over and over again, am I doing the right thing? Is this the right job for me? Till now, I’ve not found the answer.

To remain myself what made me give up in the past, I recalled the time I decided to let go of my love, the time I realized that I can never pass my calculus and that’s when I understood I’ve not faced much obstacles in life after all. Giving up is a rare event in my life.

Even after the break-up, I did not give him up. I thought I could save this relationship, I believed I could change his mind. And so I waited for weeks, finally I decided that was the end of the worthless wait. It was when my sorrow was suppressed by hatred. My hatred was like a catalyst that made me quickly accept we can never be together. That was how I gave him up and my heart never return to him since then.

For two years, I tried to improve my grade by paying more attentions during calculus class. But it didn’t work. Instead, it made me reject the subject more. The moment the lecturer explains a sum, an automatic respond will generate from my brain -my mind goes blank. That was how I gave up the subject after two tries and my heart swear never to take up calculus again.

My job is getting me down. It makes me feel bad about myself. I can’t help but ask myself why I picked this job in the first place? Why is there such a great difference from the time I was jumping in joy when I got the job and now that I got so deflated because of it? Just like what my boss asked me, “Is this job what you want to do?” I know I shouldn’t but yet I’m still waiting for a respond.

Answer: I never want to given up without trying so I put in my best effort in overcoming my fear. I’m glad to say, I’ve pass the test and is now ready for more challenges ahead.

P.S.: My warmest gratitude to all that have helped me along the way. Thank you for your advices and helping me see the world as a more profound place. It is your words that guide me through my most difficult times. Thank you!

2005-10-09T17:22:00.000+08:00

"Is it always better to remain as frens?"
-by Sarah Leung

They say frens r 4ever... but lovers w part once feelings r gone. The more I feel this is e right one for me, the more I mess things up. Jus wat's wrong w me? I dun know him, yet how can I like him?

Wat if we ever meet? These thoughts have stay w me for more than a yr now which I want them to stop. I am crazy. So what if we meet? Nothing I can change. Come'on! Who do I want to fool? I'm just so stubborn, nv learn to let go. It's my fault tt I made all this happened. Then, I jus have to accept. I know all this is coming. I would not have been so tore away if I have done the right thing then.

If it's meant to be, it will be. Maybe, just frens.

2005-09-04T19:34:00.000+08:00

Special request by Desmond! - to update my blog
-by Sarah Leung

How I wish someone could say this to my ears… “I have to tell you, recovering from a lost relationship is difficult but not impossible. There will be times when you’ll be completely exhausted, when you’ll want to scream with frustration, cry with the loneliness but those moments always pass, and you’re strong, you’ll be absolutely fine. At the end of the day, you are worth it. You absolutely deserve to feel loved, and safe, and secure, and I think it’s far better to be one happy person who feels that way than two who are always arguing, who clearly should never have come together.” That will makes me feel so much better.

<18.05.05>

Ah Bee has left to be with God. I want her to know that we love her and she will always stay in our hearts. We love you!

<20.8.05>

It’s funny. How some things you loved so much in the past could turn out to be the ugliest thing you have ever had. And you can’t help but wonder “What the hell was I thinking?” How could I possibly have chosen this man to be my partner! Love is blind and I must be the blindest bat of all.

After so long, I finally found courage to face my failure. I want to know if I have got over the worst nightmare. Looking at his pictures, I know I have awaken from it. Not just that, I also realized he was my worst choice ever. Keeping my fingers crossed, I made a promise “No more dreaming!”

Not that he suddenly had his face disfigured or whatsoever (I’m sure it’s the same face) but the affection I had for him ALL STEP UP TO THE EXIT the minute I looked at his pictures. I must have drugged myself real dead to try this guy. I said to myself, all this must have started with ** who shattered my confidence then and flickered my interest in him.

But there was only one thing I need from him.

It was my craziest idea that I let him come into my world. All this is to prove one thing that I’m still attractive. I needed him for he could make me feel “oh-too-bad ** missed his chance.” Ironic it is, this alone is enough to make me nauseous all over again.

Out of disgust, I got rid of all his things. I don’t want any more people to know I had a past with him and those who know to forget about it soon. Today is a fresh start. No more insanity I said. I wish!

2004-12-24T09:33:00.000+08:00

"Merry Christmas!"
-by Sarah Leung

It is 1 day to Christmas and my last day of IPP in MCYS. Thinking back to the 9 weeks here, I am grateful for the wonderful people I met. They showed me that working 9 to 5 is not that bad after all.

Reports has proven that the greater the satisfaction one achieved from work, the happier he can be. And I am glad to say, yes! I am happy working in MCYS.

Most of all, I am thankful for the generous gesture from my colleagues. This morning as I sat down in my office, handmade floor lamp, glass color cup & loads of chocolates were delighting me. We all know Christmas is a time for sharing and so I shared my fair bit of candy in return.

After 12:30 today, I will bid goodbye to this place I have stay for 2.5 months and continue my study in NYP. Hitting back campus is both exciting & sad for me. I am excited to meet my friends again. In contrast to on-hands learning experience, classical always work better for me. Yet I am depressed for leaving familiar faces for a long long time. There are full of kind souls here in MCYS.

Live have to go on.

Who knows I might be back for more? Ha!

2 more hours and I will have to make my exit. Time is speeding pass. I bite into my candy.

2004-12-23T13:50:00.000+08:00

"Labor of love"
-by Sarah Leung

Sometimes I wonder, what would I do if my Significant Other leaves this world and how would I like to die? I know the majority would feel uncomfortable about death and so tend not to think about it till the end of the world comes for them, yet death is no stranger to me. Calm down, I don't have terminal illness but death did cross my mind before.

It was on the day upon knowing my horrific Sec 4 result, 1st semester. My world almost fall apart when I failed my A. Math & Chemistry right from the start & physics. I was so disturbed by my fear of ending up in the ITE that I went into a depression. May I make my stand that it's not my intention to upset ITE students, it is more about not able to achieve my goal that put me down.

I yearn for a 'A' level education, I dream to jump in my JC uniform and my only desire is for my parents to be proud of me.

Most of the time, I am convicted for giving myself too much pressure. In resulting to pessimistic thoughts & suicidal attempts to form. Back then, I even have had in mind the best way to die is for me to decide. A way of minimal pain and blood shed. Thus, overdose of sleeping pills seems to fit the bill perfectly. But what stopped me?

It is the image of my howling mom that put a stop to my willfulness. I realize I can't bear to put her in more grief. She needs me. Since then, I dare not consider this option anymore.

I am clearly aware that one day, when I catch my last breathe, I will leave my beloved family & him behind. I would like for them to remember me once smiling & loving them so true. I long for my ash to rest in the place of origin.

I want them to love me when I'm still alive and I wish not to live in regret. I will give them all my love as long as I'm still kicking. And when my day comes, I'll drive myself to my own grave.

2004-12-22T14:30:00.000+08:00

"Sarah is having mental block and is unable to write today. She will be back tomorrow."
-by Sarah Leung

2004-12-21T13:54:00.000+08:00

"Cheap, cheap, hooray!"
-by Sarah Leung

Staring into the mirror, I look very much the same. Only myself knows that I've trimmed my hair last night and I feel happy.

Going to the salon is like giving myself a treat. I feel so pampered with friendly faces who serve me tea, brings me the magazines, massage my scalp and so I trustfully leave my hair to the styling guru.

Closing my heavy eyes, I ease the tension of the day and let the shampoo soak my hair. The music playing in the background is perfect, the shampoo smells wonderful and the night is beautiful. Not until an unrefine swagger next to me started yaking away.

Speaking in mandarin, she reminds me of auntie in the neighborhood covered in replica Louis Vuittion. The loud auntie with a super A4 size monogram messenger bag is a serious mismatch, perhaps just the degree of both matters (the noise vs the capacity).

My jaw nearly dropped onto the floor when the toady shampoo girl made a superfluous remark to a sophisticated customer next to her, "Mrs. XX, the bag very nice hor?". Bless you, poor bat.

And guess what? She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, it's too big for me." Ha!Ha!Ha! I feel like rolling on the floor. I believe the tai tai agree with me. It's an over-sized homme messenger bag and you bet it looks unsightly on women.

The noise continues... She just won't give up! Yak about her lavish lifestyle vs her friends' trifty habits. (Oh come on! What's wrong with that??) Self-proclaim of her precious hair must not let it ruin under cheapscake hair dye. "Some even bought $8 dye, HA!HA!HA!" she laughed just like a jester. "Aiyo! I don't dare let my maid dye for me yea..." Well, maybe she used a 80 cent toothpaste cause she stinks.

While my $14.90 canvas doggie bag, standing next to the giant LV, receives overwhelming compliments, "Wow! Your bag is so cute". Thank god, it's not a LV.

2004-12-20T14:11:00.000+08:00

"Dad's home for Christmas!"
-by Sarah Leung

It's 5 days to Christmas! (I simply adores the number 5) And it's great. I feel much gratitude than thanksgiving day. It has been a month of preparation and I have not finished. This means last min mad dash for hair cut, sending out more greeting cards and family gatherings. Sad to say I have my work too. (Sigh) I'm gone.

Touching my hair, I feel it spring out of control that I need a hair cut badly before I pick up my Dad tomorrow, his social jamboree following that & back-to-school next week. Yes, I need it today. Picked up the phone, I dial her number. Thank goodness, my hair-stylist is willing to stay a little later to do me this favor.

Thinking hard of what to write, my mind is blown away by events that are taking place this week. I keep reminding myself, the collection of festive treats for his family, dad's arrival, meet-my-folks and cozy Christmas parties with close friends. My hands are tied and my memory is failing me. (Oh s***, pimples!)

My work place is filled with festive joy with the spray of white Santa on glass door, balloons popping out of ceiling in club house to the 8 feet tall Christmas tree in the lobby. It feels like holiday already and everyone is in the mood to party. I'm confident that Christmas this year would be perfect! I feel so blessed now, just like the little me when I saw the bag of chocolate gold coin. But other than that, all things have changed.

From the time when my dad shift his attention to China, my only form of communication with him is via email. Even though he will call every weekends, I keep my talk with him brief & casual. I always find it hard to open up to him. He always have truck-load of logic to prove that he is right. Although, I agree with him most of the time, he seldom listen to what others have to say. My mom had much of it since the day she married my dad and nothing can stop him now or ever.

He can be a stubborn old man (like father like daughter) but I still love him very much. Which is why I'm glad he can be home for Christmas. Without my family together, nothing feels complete. What's more important than watching your family unfold the gifts before your eyes? What can be more important that sharing a cozy dinner with your family?

No, work is an excuse not an answer.

2004-12-17T14:04:00.000+08:00

"Bring festive sparkle to your Home"
-by Sarah Leung

I am captivated by the impressive display of Christmas lightening in Hong Kong. The Victoria harbour in Hong Kong is dressed up and ready to meet the world. This city that never sleep holds a special place in my heart. It's the place where I am brought to life, a place where I leant to walk & talk and definitely the best place to be for Christmas.

Many a time, I need to travel to my home country, especially on Christmas time. I was there to visit my relatives, to get together with my family and feel closer to my root again. Everywhere I go, my parents would share with me the memories they had for this city. It's also the time when I talk much with my father.

He, the sole bread-winner and head of the family, enforced strict rules in the household. Making funny faces or to giggle are considered inappropriate acts that once committed will be faced with either stern warning or fierce stare from him. Under such influence, my sister and I soon became the well-loved "goody kids" in their social circle. It is especially true when I see the pride in my father's eye whenever people ask him why are we not crying unnecessary or throwing tantrum.

I never need him to scold me, all it takes is a 'sharp' stare and it will send warning signals to my brain.

Only during Christmas, will I see a fatherly Santa bringing his darling daughters out to watch the enchanting Christmas lighting and taking pictures of his precious ones. The temperature may be dropping but the cozy feeling in the air rises to the occasion. Everyone is in the mood for celebration, even my strong-headed Daddy.

Looking at the brightly lit street, I was on my daddy's shoulder. Looking down at the kid holding his father's hand, I'm at the top of the world. I am his little princess.

2004-12-16T15:13:00.000+08:00

"Life is good"
-by Sarah Leung

A short break in between my tight schedule, I begin my writing to you. I has been 8 weeks since I first step into the Ministry (MCYS). From a willful girl who is so unwilling to report to work, to someone who found comfort in the surrounding of her colleagues, even janitor and food seller. I found myself unwilling to leave. I will miss this place.

Moving on to the next phrase in life is scary and graduation seems to feel like that. Uncertain of what the future holds for me, I prepared myself to be open to all opportunities. Life is a mystery but not always negative. Life full of surprises brought me much joy as well as sorrow. Thinking back, I can't help but feel life is good.

Life threw me off guard again at last night when I met a special someone after years. She is special to me, she is my teacher.

Way back 10 years ago, I was uprooted from my homeland to this small island. Wary of the change in environment, I carefully enter my new school. Soon enough, I was greeted with noisy children and cheerful teachers. Above all, I could not forget madam Kan, she is my primary 5 form teacher. Her dedicated teaching and motherly nature bonded her closely with the students.

Talking to her after years, I could still feel the warm atmosphere. It was pleasant listening to her difficulties with her teenage child. Most of all, I have not just one but two special people with me that night. My Significant Other politely engaged in the conversation. I do appreciate his effort for making it wonderful to him and I'm glad he enjoy her company as much as I do. Thank you!

Time flies and it was time to say good bye. Waving to her, I silently said a prayer for her may her worries leave her alone.

It's amazing how people comes to me at different point in time and leave me with such an impression that is just so precious, so wonderful. I'm grateful for having love around me. Yes, I am.

2004-12-15T10:12:00.000+08:00

"Thank you for your card!"
-by Sarah Leung

Let me begin with a big "thank you!" to the ever-sweet Cheryl for your beautiful card. Yea girl, I'll make time for girls night-out, I swear. So how about Christmas eve? It is definitely the best day for celebration to cheers to my last day of work and work only half day! How about that?

Moving on to a less cheerful issue, I am greatly shocked by an email that I received last noon. It is titled "real case in Bangsar, be careful", well you better be careful course the pictures in it is disturbing. Say that I'm over-reacting or I'm under-exposed to such emails, I'm very alarmed by the misbehaver of mankind. If you have seen the Nicholas beheaded video (which I'll never want to watch it in my life), I felt the same way as you do then, just in one word- disgusted.

It is a matter of fact that, WE in the right mind do not conduct such acts. One thing for sure, they are seriously mentally unsound that need supervised treatment around the clock. The best place to keep them safe is institutions of mental health. Definitely not letting them run wild in the democratic (I'm sure they have no idea what this word means) place we call home.

As I shared this horrible email with my Significant Other, I felt a sharp reality hitting me hard. To him, it is classified as nothing more than ordinary. Beyond his calm he could only feel a little sympathy for the victim. It hit me twice as hard to know something are just beyond our control.

Indeed, with unexpected life-threatening bombings happening, we have lost the ability to defense ourselves. No place is ever safe again. And psycho offenders hurting & killing of people in animal-slaying manner, we have lost our human rights of respect too. What's more needed to justify that we are vulnerable?

So what makes us superior than animals now? Just because you are bilingual or earns more money don't make you different. We are all preys hiding away from our predators. Human beings have become so intimidated just like animals in the juggle. Perhaps that's why we choose not to have babies as not wanting to expose our precious ones to harm.

And so what? If you have the best policy in the world and flag away those incentives. We only believe in one principal and that is no safety, no babies.

2004-12-14T08:47:00.000+08:00

"Happy Birthday, Apple!"
-by Sarah Leung

Good morning my friends, I'm full and feeling contented as I laze comfortably on my office chair. Yes! 2 more weeks to the end of attachment and 11 days to Christmas! Of course not forgetting that today is also, my bubbly sister's birthday! Happy 15th Birthday. You are now coming closer to sweet sixteen and remember we all love you.

Well, yesterday was a mad rush of work and briefings. Stupid to say the briefings would be more meaningful if it took place in the first 2 weeks of my attachment there. I mean, what's the point of giving me that s*** only now? What can I say? It's an eye-opener to see how big organization run their operation. Wow! Just big and nothing more (sound so much like a bimbo).

Nothing is more a blessing than to have a hot shower and look at the Christmas tree. Counting the number of gifts under it is such a pleasure. Looking at the 6-feet tree, I imagine the simple happiness it brought to my family.

The decoration may be old or outdated, but they all come from different time zone. Some were as old as 15 years ago where our family's first Christmas took place. And as a new year follows, we brought current ones to dress up the tree (now, it really is rojak tree). My mom feels proud whenever she looks at the tree. Just because some of the deco are made by my sister when she was in kindergarten and others are gifts from new friends she made overseas. Well, I have my contribution too. I dress the tree in ribbons and most importantly, I am the Santa this year! Ho! Ho! Ho!

It's such a wonderful feeling looking at their enthusiastic faces. My sis honestly told me that she once wanted to open the gift in my absence because she can't resist the temptation to know what's inside that big blue box! And my mom, she waited anxiously for me to get home, only to peek where I got her gift from the bags I'm holding and make a fair guess what it would be.

My Christmas wish this year: To share Christmas with my own family in 7 years time. Can I?

2004-12-13T17:27:00.000+08:00

"Sarah will be back tomorrow"
-by Sarah Leung

2004-12-10T09:43:00.000+08:00

"My conversation with him"
-by Sarah Leung

After a night of card writing, gift wrapping and more shopping, I was easily fast asleep. Thanks to him above, nothing strange took place and I slept like a baby. The 'spooky' encounter last night were more threatening to my Significant Other than me as I explained that I have no fear for not doing unto others.

Half dead, I dreadfully planned out my checklist:
(X) Dad's
( ) Mom's
(X) Sis
(X) His
( ) His Family
(X) Girlfriends
( ) Write cards
( ) Make card
( ) 1 gift box, 1 small gold bag, 1 gift pouch, 2 meters ribbon
( ) Photo Develop<- Last
( ) Carrot ->Pet
(X) Brain dead

Speaking to him and brainstorm on Christmas wishes, I put my thoughts into words and pen them in the cards quickly. Afraid that I might miss track of my thoughts... I'm right, he had my attention at:

W: "How big in dimension you want your gift box to be?"
Me: (Hold out my ruler) "25 by 6. What should I write?"
W: "Guy?"
Me: "No." (writing)
W: "Oh lucky. Ribbon?"
Me: "No." (still writing)
W: "No ribbons, you sure? How many?"

Oh gosh! I still have 30 more cards to go which means 30 more personalized greetings and 30 more hand exercise. I am already tired by the 'discovery'.

Christmas is 15 days away but it felt like running a race. What's more, he painfully reminded me that post service on peak season like this will take a longer time to reach the local recipients and much much longer time to reach the other countries. So he mercilessly planned out a deadline for me. What can I say? He knows me well. I'm prone to delay and lazy syndrome. He said the word "2 days".

Meeting the 2 days deadline is pressing enough, he had me again with another (less-than)fantastic idea. "What should I get for your dad, mom & sis...?". I heard him it was "sharp" to my ears.

2004-12-08T10:04:00.000+08:00

"The best time in life"
-by Sarah Leung

In the headline of my interest: Come 1st of January and wave goodbye to Channel i, Streats & MediaWorks broadcast station.

One thing for sure, I admire the spirit of the MediaWorks crew.

In the news, highlighted was the movement of staff but what I'm more concern is the retrenchment exercise. Those left out of the list are talented artists who will move on and search for a new direction in life.

For some of us, we may not be affected by this local entertainment news yet again we understand the fear of uncertainty, the sadness of leaving and the anger of the forgotten. This is where our state of mind is thrown into confusion. And negative questions like "What am I gonna do?", "I can't bear to leave" and "Why me?" raced our mind. I'm absolute that most of us have gone through this before.

What about me? I am facing an unknown, my development after graduation in April next year. Will my parents put me through the local degree program or will I go against the odd to be independent? 3 months ago, I would have heed my dad's advice and leave the country after graduation but the circumstances now changed. I care for my Significant Other. I wouldn't want to separate from him the same way my family is going through.

Open universities may be one good option. However, the result of various degree information talks & pressing registration was overwhelming. In the result, I could only sign a heavy Oh my!

A 19 year-old should be independent enough to settle for a job & move out. It maybe the best time of my life.

To those in despair, let me ask you to be brave because this is not an end, it is the beginning of a new start. Never be defeated by fear, face the challenge and open the next door to success. Remember! the best is still waiting for you to discover.

Set yourself free. Go on and ponder about what you really want in life? And when you know it, make the move. Making the first step is the only most difficult part in your decision. After the first step, nothing will be too difficult for you. Don't restrict yourself to just one opportunity, open your eyes to new exciting chances. Welcome the change, don't frown! Live it like the best time in life.

2004-12-06T13:05:00.000+08:00

"Live in the moment"
-by Sarah Leung

I was reading a journal from a columnist in Straits Times, when I spotted this paragraph "I can still see the tree outside and the cloudless sky, and I can still remember that weird mix of gratitude I felt for what I had, and fear of how it wasn't going to last, and how I'd better grasp that moment forever." -Sumiko Tan.

She is my all time favorite journalist. I hardly not get excited over her column when a new journal appears. Her writing is jargon-free based on true life accounts. I could swing & sway with her words. She writes about her life as a single woman & nevertheless input her feelings into everything she writes. And I have to say that she looks real good given she is in her late 30s.

Making reference back to the quote extracted, yes, I feel it too. My paranoid behavior does get out of hand. The contradicting ideas of "I'm happy, I'm happy not" create fluctuating mood waves that sweep & destroy wonderful moments ever-had. Leaving only the deserted rural landscape- a lonely heart. The previous joy build upon years of trust & love have all squashed in a split second.

My Significant Other deals a tough time whenever a sense of sorrow fills my heart as I turn a deaf ear to his coaxing, refuse to talk and not meeting his eyes. The destruction of sorrow turns to fear is even more devastating. Where I would hide in my familiar background, thinking of nothing but to run away. He said that was the greatest punishment of all. Once, I drove him to desperation that he nearly wanted to give up on me. It's never easy when two become one.

For now, let me absorb the essence of every second and hold on to the feeling till the end of time.

2004-12-03T10:13:00.000+08:00

"Change for the better?!"
-by Sarah Leung

I can't wait for 6pm to come so that I can lay my hands on the latest issue of Vogue! Ha! For the past 2 months or so, I have not spend fair bit of time reading reviews on the latest showcase from the most sought after designers. In fact, I long for a stroll in the bookshop right now where I can browse through copies of fashion magazines, stretch of novels & picture-colorful travel guides. (I smell books!) I badly need a trip to the biggest bookstore in town. The smell of the widest range of commercial reading materials is simply alluring to me.

Right now, my time is spent on work, family and my significant other. It seems like my past hobbies have no room to breathe. I miss the good old days when I could go downtown after class without consent, visit the library at least twice weekly and always have abundance time for anything. Now, I have to buy time for my friends, volunteer mission and sleep. Life is so different now that I have someone by my side.

To have and to hold someone special means great responsibilities (which I'm still lacking), commitments and sacrifices. In another word, my favorite past time are replaced with new ones like movie, hiking and beach-watching. Chocolate, calories sinful but bloody love it is out of my menu to make way for new healthy diets. One color (black) on me is revamped for brighter colors like pink & purple. Sleepy weekend mornings are so lively nowadays when he comes with warm breakfast. I used to get up late which I can no more. Wow! What a turn over! Ha! What an improper lifestyle I got. Not too late for a change I guess.

I'm amazed by the change he in-cultivated in me. My present life is so full of delights that is incredible. The lost I felt in the beginning, when it all started, had vanished. Everything is in place and I am surrounded by joy. So what's now? Charge to the bookstore! Well, maybe I should bring him along. What say you?

2004-12-01T10:28:00.000+08:00

"Ho! Ho! Ho!"
-by Sarah Leung

It is 1 of December, the month of happiness. I truly adore the spirit this December brings. It is a season of magical Christmas, excitement - the final showdown of the Singapore Idol and most importantly a season of love. It is a time for all to get together with family and friends, be it enjoying a Christmas feast or a romantic stroll along the brightly lit Orchard Road. December to me is even more significant because my bubbly sister is born on this last month of the year. The joy December brings to me is enormous that no word can fully describe.

Getting ready for Christmas is a year end bash to me. I am brought up in a family-oriented home that spent festivals in a big way. Above all, I love the Christmas most. My dad plays a big part in molding my love for this festive season. In fact, he is my early impression of Santa Clause. Seeing him walk around the house with a beer tummy and those big foot of his are in some way alike Santa in the movies. What's more is that he taught me the word "surprise" when he secretly placed my Christmas gift on my pillow, made a foot print or two on my bed, sending me a thought of Santa just step in.

Do you still remember the lesson of Christmas? "Santa knows who's naughty or nice" and so only the good kid gets his present. Therefore, year after year of Christmas, when I see my present on my pillow, I'm glad that I have been a good kid to my family again. I just hate to disappoint them. Sometimes, I got so worried that I'll run over to the kitchen, grab the towels and help my mom with the dishes. This happens only once a year because Santa is watching. Ha!

I can still recall my first encounter with Christmas when I was around 3 year old. On the eve, my mom showed me where to hang my socks so that it is visible to Santa. Through out the night, I peek at my socks at the window frame endlessly. I kept wondering, how big a gift can my mini socks hold? And soon enough I felt asleep.

The minute I woke up the next day, my mind is no more on McDonald's but where is my present? The 3 year old me is very quiet & shy, despite the excitement contains in me, I did not raise a sound. I would only look at the socks and sallow my tears because it looks flat & empty. It was a torture guessing what is in the socks! Or is there anything in it?

The wait was finally over as my mom brought out a red wire bag from the socks. I had my eyes glued to its content that they were as big as the gold fish. Yes, it's gold. Guess what, it was a bag of chocolate gold coin. Yummy!

2004-11-30T13:13:00.000+08:00

"Care for a game or two?"
-by Sarah Leung

Given the uproar caused by the Singapore Idol, everyone now are educated to cast their votes! So to ride on this madness, I would like to start my topic for today with a simple poll. Here's the question- just how frequent have you tell your love ones you love them?

A. Huh... I beg your pardon?
B. None, why bothers when my partner didn't even say it to me!
C. Who cares? We know we love one another, (turn to look at your partner) right?!

No matter what you vote for, it reflects only one thing- Looks like your relationship is rocky!

In my opinion, sweet talking does set fire to a relationship. It is part of the game that keeps it burning! Many a times, love turns to cold water and you could hardly feel the heart-drumming moment. Majority would choose to ignore or make believe that it's a norm. Some go on the wrong track and mistook it for a change of heart. No sweat people, all you need is something refreshing & you will get it back to safety. But just how many people in Asia know how to play the game? Baby, it's all in the mind.

When I say games I don't mean "flings". Even though I have to admit that a little jealousy can generate sparks in your love arena, I would not encourage such a risky solution. You will end up living by yourself if you don't do it right. It is interesting to discover how your significant other reacts to your flirting. Conservative Asians define "flirting" as a disrespectful act of wild & cheap kid trying too hard to impress the opposite sex but it's not always the case. It depends on the audience you said it to.

A simple phrase may sound differently when you say it to your children, lover or even your parents. Just to cite an example, when you say "You smell great..." to the little one, you meant it as a praise for good hygiene practicing. And when you tell your dear that he/she smells great, to them it's not just a compliment, it has hidden sensuality that makes the words & sound of it sexy. As for the parent side, I don't think you want to know. Ha!

To play the game there is no rule (that's what attractive about it). So let the games begin with "I love you".

2004-11-29T13:48:00.000+08:00

"The other side of me"
-by Sarah Leung

A big welcome to good old Monday! I hope your Blues are not running high. Glad to say that I'm feeling much better now. The storm had left. Last weekends were tough on me, a mixture of emotions almost tore me apart. Running into friends that I can't help but love more each day yet digging on the past that lead to bitter arguments. I don't think I can withstand yet another emotion disaster. It has proven to me it's too much to bear.

I didn't know I would react that way unlike me. I couldn't imagine my heart nearly stopped beating when I heard the truth. This is unbelievable for a composed girl like me. I am always calm to react but what has happened now? At home, I am depended on like a support that binds all members together and nevertheless it's me who is rational and calls the shot. Love really changes me.

It scares me sometimes when I realize the effect love has on me. I have become exceptionally, terrified of things that threat me before. However, some words are so hard to say it now. Pride has abandon me for my growing weakness. I have become less intimidating compared to the past when worries are written on my face.

Someone close once warn me, "in love it's not just about you, you have to think for him/her too." Indeed, you are right.

2004-11-26T10:12:00.000+08:00

"I'm in middle of no-where"
-by Sarah Leung

The temperature is low here and so does my mood. I am in the right place. A solemn church I find within myself. This is the day that I didn't curse the poor weather nor the quiet happenings. I only need peace but it suffer like the sound of death. After a sleep, I felt deflated as the energy drain out of my body which is not suppose to be.

I hate to recall the argument last night that drove me to despair. It was bitterly awful. I couldn't find the reason as to why. What remains clear is that this is definitely not the time to ask for forgiveness and it is totally insignificant to be regretful. He don't seem to know when I refuse to speak. All I need is time to heal and put on back a smile.

Time flies and I have reached the pit fall again. My greatest fear is back to haunt me. This is only the time for White Christmas. This is the time when everything comes to an end. The people don't seem to be worried at all, they are happy for that it's Friday and weekends is just around the corner. For once, I want to be a follower, I hope to be influenced by them, I want to fill up the emptiness in me.

I have made a U-turn back to where I was.

I find myself withdrawing from the crowd, detest the look from people's eyes. I'm hiding away my insecurities. I've put a latch on my chest. I shall not utter a word because what I speak is only nuisances. Pretensions do not revealing the true me. Talking is such. I discover my soul living in the undertunnel. Not wanting to go.

2004-11-25T10:14:00.000+08:00

"Sorry! What did you say?"
-by Sarah Leung

Do you have the habit of saving for rainy days? Or have you ever considered this option? Now think again because frankly speaking, I'm a loser when it comes to spending. I never do save because I can't bear the sorrow of having a lesser pair of shoes, take away a bag or fewer pieces of clothing. They mean the world to me. Well, not all will understand my love for them. Let me explain, I define style as a life & death issue and I seek style in living. This often generate tons of needs. It's due to all these needs I want in life that burn a hole in my wallet.

Yesterday, after spoken to a dear one on financial planning, I'm well-convinced that we badly need a financial planner to save guard our finances. I agree with misers, a dollar a day can make a difference. Just think about the money you will have accumulated over 5 or 10 years? $365 a year, $1825 5 years later and $3650 after 10 years!

My love one and I are die-hard fan of shopping. We never need a second of consideration for getting on hand anything we want. May it be the latest handphone, travel package (shopping tours) or a pair of designer shade. Even though we never need to beg our parents for more allowance but this amount mostly gobble up the pie, bread, cheese and bacon! And what we left with is only the bone.

I've come across an interview with a senior financial advisor, he commented that it is encouraged to save 10% of the salary you draw each month. This is merely to keep your risk of bankruptcy to a satisfactory level. Oh! Then what about those of us who don't save?? So now you know.

2004-11-24T15:16:00.000+08:00

"How do you do?"
-by Sarah Leung

Seated alone in my office, I started munching on crap (cheese ring that is hard to get nowadays & I bloody love it)even though I'm a little worried about the fats I'm putting into my body. Moreover, thinking about my day because I have not really put any thinking into my answer when people ask me "how was ya day?". So Okay is my standard response to them. Well, don't get the wrong idea, it's not for the reason that I don't wish to tell them more but I just simply never think of that before. I mean how do you describe a day that is flat (no bad news yet no good news, no truck-load of work just some admin task, long waiting for lunch to come and office hours to end)? Perhaps those busy people out there who happens to read this is shouting out loud, "hey! you know? YOU ARE REAL LUCKY". I hate to disagree with you but I have to. I never did expect coming to work to see a clean empty desk, laptop with no work-related documents and a quiet answering machine. Neither machines nor me are working. I'm miserable for not having deadlines to meet, no nasty phone calls to curse upon and nothing to eat into my lunch break. Going to work just makes me restless all day long. How I hope I can go back to academic class. I miss the flexible timetable, the noisy yet familiar campus and friends I meet along corridors. What a wonderful feeling! Corporate world is certainly alien to me.

Everthing comes to light now that I clearly know what I want. Sitting in my office all day long is definitely not my style. I love meeting people (Yes, despite knowing 85% are nasty people), I love to work under different environment and I have to admit I never fail to perform in my best when I'm placed under pressure.

It's never dull to listen to people tell me about their day and give them my attention. Usually they need no advise. And the next time they see you, you will be greeted by their most cheerful smile & never miss a chance to stop by and chat with you. Ha! It's hard for me to be annoyed by their complains or frowzy. That may explains why I find it easy to connect with others. Sometimes, it's puzzling how strangers come up to me and start a conversation. But please don't get me wrong, I don't attempt to prove anything here. In fact, I'm just an average looking chinese girl.

Oh! So what's up with my day?

2004-11-23T08:55:00.000+08:00

"Do you remember?"
-by Sarah Leung

It starts like a bad day, when I hear the alarm rings and curse the early morning. Slowly and unsteady I make a move to the wash room to freshen up (the fizzy hair, stinky breathe, oily face and pale lips)and get prepared for my day of work again.

Just like any other day, getting across to the bus stop is my biggest frustration (as a matter of fact, I have many many other frustrating moments). Think of the heavy traffic, you are running late and there you see your bus drive pass right before your eyes! Or even worst, you run after a bus that waits for no one. But thank goodness, this worst scenario didn't happen to me this morning. I was across the street when the bus arrived. Upon seeing this, I made an annoyance curse to everything on land, sea and sky. I thought I would not be able to get on board. I thought I would miss this bus. Ha! Well, all thanks to the patience bus driver I get to enjoy a comfortable ride to work. He waited for me to dash across the road, tab my card and take my seat before driving off. Not just that, he even acknowledge me with a nod of head when I finally set my foot on the stairs! What a wonderful experience.

Then I recalled what my Mum taught me when I was a kid. "...Remember to say thank you." Opps! I seem to have forgot this basic courtesy that I used frequently on everyone regardless if I get a sweet or not in return. I know that was way long ago when I was in kindergarten yet it shouldn't be an excuse to pardon my rude behavior. Well, we might have overlooked how to treat others right. Stop assuming that it wouldn't make a difference. Sure it does, we are given senses to feel and to be appreciated. So next time take a second off your busy pace thank others for the good deed and remember! Be fair to others, treat them right.

P.S. Thanks to the bus driver of SBS 929, I was on time.

2004-11-22T17:12:00.000+08:00

"Hi! Life?!"
-by Sarah Leung

I was heading to the pantry or "hot water room" when a familiar voice greeted me. It was the Malay clearner who is always in bright and colorful make-up, not forgetting a loud voice. She is a nice lady I have to say. In a cheerful (and thundering) voice, she asked me how am I doing. Causally, I gave my lamest & unconventional reply, a questionable "okay?!". But when she started complaining about her long working hours, I knew she is just like me. We are both hit by the Monday blues. Feeling exactly what she is doing then, I cursed the pre-Monday blues that affected me way ahead on Sunday. Ha, what a life, not beautiful I guess.

After that short talk, I headed back to my table with my hot water. While savoring my 3-in-1 breakfast cereal, (quick & easy, well-loved by busy people or at least trying their best to look busy- like me just because it's conveniently packed into small individual packs never for its great taste), I thought if "I am not working, what else can I do?" Damn, once and again that would be hell of a life.

I remember when I was growing up (naive + stupid, they come in a package) I told my Mum that I would love to be a home-maker just like her. Do without the heretic work yet enjoy a stable return of money to spend. Just like a Tai-Tai (rich man's wife), scheduling appointments for hair-do, facial, high tea, majong games, shopping... (you name it, they do just it ha!). In my eyes, they don't seem to be bored of those standard routines. If you ask me are they having a great time as women trapped in their martial status? It might be a different story then. I'll always remember the sad look on her face whenever I say I want to be a Tai-Tai. Well, there's always two sides to a coin, maybe I should learn to be contented and get back to work.

P.S. If only I have work!

2004-11-09T09:14:00.000+08:00

"Morning people! It's now 9:15 in the morning"
-by Sarah Leung

Stop yawning! n get back to work~ haha... What a way to start a beautiful morning... pulling your body out of the bed, cramping in a bus with strangers, skipping breakfast n log on to your office computer... haiz... This is what I have been experiencing for the last 3 weeks. Sad to say it's killing me to know that this will have to go on for another 6 more weeks! I have been busy the past weeks but today. No work for me to do... I have in advance completed my task right up to friday... n I can't stop yawning!!! Here comes the "coffee man", always come knocking at the door selling breakfast n shouting "kopiii...." at the top of his lungs~ However, that's the fav time of my work, besides lunch break of cos... as I can munch on food to kill the boredom.

2004-10-08T01:46:00.000+08:00

"What the hell is wrong with me?"
-by Sarah Leung

He told me "Sarah, nothing is wrong with u. Don't keep asking yaself what's wrong but to listen more." Hmm... Yup, I know I did it again! I've fallen into my maddness again. Just what the f*** I want?

My heart is telling me, "Sarah, stop fooling around! It's time u learn." But am I ready to stop what I'm doing and learn?

~Learn from the history and never make the same mistake again~

2004-09-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

So much to do, so little time…
-Sarah Leung

Yeah, life is short so if there’s anything you wanna accomplish, just do it! *Smile* Well, I’ll side track a bit to bring you lesson for today. Haha… “Human beings were never made for perfection- we can only strive for it.” Golden words by Ms Ong Soh Chin. It’s short and sweet and just why I like it! Haha…. Don’t ask me who she is, I don’t know her. Haha… But I will have to agree with her. Don’t u? Anyway, back to what I said earlier- life’s short so live it to the fullest. Haha… sorry brother, it’s well-said so borrowed ya quote and share it with more people. Pass it on! Haha… Well, enough of my crap, it’s time to sleep children. Haha… Good night!

2004-08-27T21:21:00.000+08:00

....
-by Sarah Leung

My mum can be quite annoying at times, haiz...checking on what i m doing whenever she's too free! I have to find ways to push her out of my private space as nicely as possible. haha! it's hard to find peace at home. Anyway, what a busy day we all had. Meeting deadlines and on-coming projects that fall from the sky and hit you right on ya head like bricks! Well, the only enjoyable part is the Tempus fair- showcase of exlusive watches. I have to tell u it's amazing, just like the price tag!! Fine art (that's what they say). yup... I have to agree it's an art of physics and style. I guess that's y the dictionary define it as Timepiece. They really are fine piece of art. Enough of that for now, this Sunday's Kelly's B-day! Happy Birthday, babe! More food baby...haha!

2004-08-22T16:13:00.000+08:00

Haha~
-by Sarah Leung

Woke up at 11am, it's quite late for me. haha... Anyway, the Japanese festival was kidda fun last night. Thanks Val, for bringing me there! And Lyda is so sweet. haha... i simply adore her! By the way, Grace you look so feminine in your costume! haha... although you walk more like a penguin (opps!) By the time i reach home is just nice for supper. haha... ate before i hit for my bed. Well, it has been a long time since i sleep so soundly. Anyway, let bygones be bygones... Lastly, it is wonderful knowing you guys- Cynthia, Grag & Lyda (hope i spell ya names correctly,haha...) hope you had much fun too! *smile*

2004-08-08T14:59:00.000+08:00

"The greatest weakness of humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive."
-by Sarah Leung

The Earth we live in just never stop spinning! Time moves in clockwise direction, just like people come and go. We are all passengers on different channels that have no return. This is a one way ticket, there’s no turning back. Nothing will wait for you and similarly, nothing should holds you back. No matter what, the only thing you can do is to look forward, fight back tears and move on. I know it’s very tempting but try your very best not to look back as it will only bring you more sufferings and pain. Trust me it makes you feel like a deflated balloon!
Normally, I have no problem giving a sensible answer. But don’t ever ask me what love is. It’s a mystery still waiting for me to explore. It will take a lifetime to learn how to love and its movement. Just as complex as women I guess. One sensible advice however is to keep clear headed so that you can think better. Feeling lost and frustrated will only lead to self-destruction. Don’t torture yourself! Love yourself.
Life is crazy. You can feel it pulling you away from reality. All you need to do is to do nothing and its vital energy will soaks up all your senses. Yes, and by the next minute, you feel like a complete moron. I’ve never felt this tired before. People often say life is good, I rather follow than to over throw this motion. Maybe life will be better when you believe it’s good. What else can be better than one to be easily contented and happy? That’s what I have been looking for all this while. Nevertheless, I keep remaindering myself to be patient. My eagerness and stubbornness are my downfall in life. Yet no question asked, they made me who I am. You have only two choices: love me or hate me. There’s no in between.
Turning 19 is a nightmare to me. Ironically, it was once my greatest fantasy. Well, nothing is what it seems to be. It wasn’t great after all. Pushing other things aside, I cannot deny that it’s a turning point in my life. I’ve never been so sure of what to do than now! Life is opening itself to me and the mists are clearing. All I see now is a clear bright sky and my lovely family here with me. Nothing else matters anymore. I’m so grateful that they have not left me. Closing an old chapter and entering into a new beginning. It’s a wonderful feeling. I hope you share the same sentiment as me. I wish you are here.

2004-07-31T16:09:00.000+08:00

I'm single again
-by Sarah Leung

Yeah.. my friends, i had a boyfriend a week ago but that's the past now. It's really not easy (if u know what i mean). We went seperate ways last night, hopefully a better way. It's just about choices in life that u have to decide cos no one will tell u what to do. U live your life. Give me sometime to get on with life.

2004-07-25T10:42:00.000+08:00

I made a sudden turn in my life
-by Sarah Leung

This few days have been fanatical! It's a great change for me. Within just days, I know how hard this is going to be. And it's just the beginning. I'm very certain that this realtionship is not going to be smooth sailing. But that's just life right? I told myself, no matter what the outcome would be, I'll not regret. There will be much more changes and truth that i have to face. But i'm glad it happened, at least i could still hold on to "fairy-tales" for a while. I'm having a hard time but i'll not fall. That's me. My dear friends, Please give me your blessings! Peace.

2004-07-18T00:28:00.000+08:00

What do u do, when u don’t know what to do?

Haha! It’s a little confusing right? Let say, u know u r, most likely, falling for someone. (U know!) it’s not going to work but u just can’t get away from it. It’s hanging on your neck everywhere u go. U can’t breath. One thing for sure, if u don’t leave now, you will be terribly hurt. U have had enough of pain. U tried to stay away from love that might cost you pain, much pain. God knows y! u were thrown into this shit. (that’s when u should left, if not) It will led u deeper and then finally u think the “fairy-tale” is going to happen to me~ u were too naïve to believe that nonsense. As soon as u know it, it’s time for u to make your exit, for someone to take over you. But u couldn’t move! u r in too deep to jump out. U have no choice now, he has no room for u. U couldn’t stay anymore. It’s cruel but very realistic. So u cry, scream and vent anger on everyone including yourself. Ironically, (anger) that’s the only motivation u r left with. After a try and another, u never stops waking up… Each go, u used all your energy and pride to drag yourself slowly out of this shit. It’s a very very slow journey as each time u jump, u will cut yourself. It keeps cutting on the same wound and it just gets deeper and deeper that blood gush out. There’s no way to mend this wound now, u are still jumping, cutting and bleeding. After a big struggle, u finally touches the ground. By then u are so tired, so tired that u keep your eyes closed. U just want to catch your breathe. Things seems much simpler now that u r half out. U closed your eyes to sleep, the pain… the wound… is all coming back and it’s aching so much that u regret doing it to yourself! No pain, no gain. The sun rise and set and when u finally rested enough, u open your eyes and see yourself in a different time space. U blames yourself for missing out so much! Sitting on the ground you look back into the hole u have fallen into. “My gosh!”. You swear not to fall into a hole ever again. Once bitten, twice shy. Bring your weak soul, you stood up and make your first step into this new time zone. This time round, you walk the road very carefully, noting every turn n winding road. U stop frequently, more frequent than your heartbeats. In your mind…“No! don’t step into a hole again”

But can u do it?

2004-07-14T18:17:00.000+08:00

An E-mail from my Dad
-by Sarah Leung

A group of children were playing near two railway tracks, one still in use while the other disused. Only one child played on the disused track, the rest on the operational track.

The train came, and you were just beside the track interchange. You could make the train change its course to the disused track and saved most of the kids. However, that would also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed. Or would you rather let the
train go its way?

Let's take a pause to think what kind of decision we could make.............

How do you decide?
No cheating...
What is your decision?

Most people might choose to divert the course of the train, and sacrifice only one child. You might think the same way, I guess.

Exactly, I thought the same way initially because to save most of the children at the expense of only one child was rational decision most people would make, morally and emotionally. But, have you ever thought that the child choosing to play on the disused track had in fact made the right decision to play at a safe place? Nevertheless, he had to be sacrificed because of his ignorant friends who chose to play where the danger was.

This kind of dilemma happens around us everyday. In the office, community, in politics and especially in a democratic society, the minority is often sacrificed for the interest of the majority, no matter how foolish or ignorant the majority is, and how farsighted and knowledgeable the minority is. The child who chose not to play with the rest on the operational track was sidelined. And in the case he was sacrificed, no one would shed a tear for him.

The friend who forwarded me the story said he would not try to change the course of the train because he believed that the kids playing on the operational track should have known very well that track was still in use and that they should have run away if they heard the train's sirens. If the train was diverted, that lone child would definitely die because he never thought the train could come over to that track!

Moreover, that track was not in use probably because it was not safe.
If the train was diverted to the track, we could put the lives of all passengers on board at stake! And in your attempt to save a few kids by sacrificing one child, you might end up sacrificing hundreds of people to save these few kids.

While we are all aware that life is full of tough decisions that need to be made, we may not realize that hasty decisions may not always be the right one.

"Remember that what's right isn't always popular... and what's popular isn't always right."

Everybody makes mistakes; that's why they put erasers on pencils.

2004-06-26T23:09:00.000+08:00

P.E.A.C.E
-by Sarah Leung

Where should I start? Well, this afternoon, after work, I took a walk to the library. It was a way long time I step into the library again. What can I say? I’m just too busy to hit my favorite past time. Briefly spree through and took a book by Judith Michael. It’s their pen name, a husband and wife team. Well, let’s see how good they are. And my goodness, for a long long time I have not shop till I drop! It’s time I revamp my wardrobe collection. Ha~

I guess guys out there must be real excited about the Euro Cup. But don’t forget to get some sleep ok? I wouldn’t want to see pandas hoof it around the campus!

Just one more thing before I go, I’ll be on leave till Wedneday-30th. Take care till I see ya again.

2004-06-17T15:45:00.000+08:00

Curry Puffs, anyone?
-by Sarah Leung

What a busy day, went out to central just for lunch n curry puffs. It's no lie that they have the best curry puff in town. I went for a health check just now, and thanks to my Mummy, I'm perfectly fine. And later I'll take a short break and attend yoga class after work. That will keep me busy till 8pm. That's great! Everything is under control. Peace.

2004-06-16T16:42:00.000+08:00

Feeling extremely guilty
-by Sarah Leung

I can't believe it when that word came out from my mouth.
I find it so hard to forgive myself for using such an offensive word.
She's a nice girl but yet I hurt her with my outburst.
I know I did.
She must be terribly disturbed by my usage of the word.
It will be even harder for her to forgive and forget my impoliteness.
But I'm praying hard that she will.
And right now, I'm feeling guilty more than ever.
For goodness sake, please watch my words in the future!

2004-06-10T15:56:00.000+08:00

I put my trust in him
-by Sarah Leung

When the road gets tough, I shall put my trust in him.
I shall believe that he can make things right.
I shall let him carry all my troubles, away from me.
And from now on, I shall not worry about anything.
That*s because he will be there to take care of everything.

2004-06-07T22:33:00.000+08:00

The happiness never last for long
-by Sarah Leung

I*m glad to say I*m in real good mood this past few days, even though of my persistent cough that just can*t bear to part with me. Well, it has been quite a fun having my cousin here in town. He is someone I could talk to, cos I know he could not spill my darkest secrets to my friends here. No such word as trust in my dictionary, that*s the problem with me.

His company is like the arrival of a public holiday. Full of excitement and joy but always ends too quickly. And when the holiday is over, blues will come into the picture and ruins everything. It*s just too short! How I wish I could hold on to happiness or at least prolong this feeling and make it stay with me for a long long time. Maybe only me could understand this agony.

2004-06-04T17:03:00.000+08:00

What is it that you want in life?
-by Sarah Leung

Have you ever sat down under the moonlight at a quite spot that is just for you, and think **What is that I want in life?** Every time I have that thinking coming, I know that I'm feeling lonely again. Yup... I*m only lonely!

Well, many a times, I could just call up my Galfriends and keep myself away from the empty surrounding. But I chose to stay alone. To stay in this emptiness. I*m too restless to talk. Ironically, silent became my best friend. It*s always there to bug me on when the nights gets darker.

**Silent does have sound. It*s the sound you hear when the objects around u ain't moved.**

2004-05-27T09:47:00.000+08:00

Girlfriends
-by Sarah Leung

Well, this is not about BGR but rather friendship that*s beyond measure. Just like guys have buddies, we girls have girlfriends. The meaning of girlfriends is to cry with you when you*re down, teach you things that you would never have known and make you feel so comfortable that you*ll wonder if you both are blood sisters.

They have made me learn and grow as an individual. They can see better and further than me. They never fails to leave me with the impression of **Oh! How sweet to have you around** To have them with me is always a fun. The silly things we do and say cracks me up all the time. Life seems much more interesting and colorful whenever they are near. There ain*t no words strong enough to show my gratitude and appreciations for have such wonderful girlfriends. My warmest thanks to you for loving me the way I am. (Yes, just give me some time to change for the better) For making me see that nobody is born rich, there are always responsibilities behind all the good we see. And to all my friends, life is never smooth sailing; give and take comes side by side. Don*t ask for anything that you can*t give.

2004-05-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

Fear
-by Sarah Leung

I admit that I*m afraid of making commitments. Not because I*m a player but the fact that I couldn*t make my man stay. I know, they will eventually leave me, and true enough they did.

After so many years, seeing them still takes my breath away. In fact I was hoping for a slimmest chance of making things right. But their new girlfriend standing beside them made it impossible. Although they did not behave intimately, I still felt uneasy. All I could do is to smile generously at the couple. Whenever I met such situations, I will think of bringing a guy friend with me but no one dare to take the risk. All the time, I kept my distance and was working hard to keep my cool. We exchanged a few words, nothing about our past was spoken.

At the end, it always made me realize one thing: that we could never get back together.

To me, people’s impression of me is very important. I would mind if people around me think negatively of me. So I bottom up all my feelings. It’s only when I’m with close friends that I’ll open up to them.

Frankly speaking, until now I still miss him. He has moved on but when will I?

2004-05-12T22:27:00.000+08:00

I let him go

He is my childhood sweetheart. We know each other since we were born. Just like everyone else, he is not perfect. He sleeps late, eats junk and is as stubborn as an ox. But his weaknesses never did stop me from accepting the way he is.
Our first meeting after years was awkward and strange. I was 18 when I met him for the first time after our separation. With just one look, I could recognize this man standing in front of me. He is real yet felt more like a virtual image to me. Introduction was unnecessary. Through out, our interaction was no more than a courteous formality.
We choose to date at the restaurant where our families used to frequent. Time did change the restaurant, but the familiar feeling stayed. Instantly, we were greeted by the good-old memories. It is the place that brought us together; little did we know that it will soon ends like a chapter in a book.
Our renew relationship progressed during that few weeks. He put a smile on me more than anyone ever possible. He worked his charms and made me talk enthusiastically about my craziest ideas. But most of all, he made me feel important.
Until, his family came over for a visit. His parents have aged and his younger brother is no longer a child now. Seeing them all again made me realize how much we had changed over the years.
We broke into a silent when his mother announced his engagement. His expression was unreadable. She is the girl he met in high school. His mother’s laughter kept ringing in my ears, **when you were both kids, we thought Ah Wai will eventually marry you.** she chuckled. Yes, I would be the one marrying him if I have not left. I would have asked him to wait for me if I were not a child then. Maybe, everything would not be the same. If I could turn back the clock.

*In just a blink, what*s right can be very wrong for you*

2004-04-29T17:08:00.000+08:00

I got a shock of my life
-by Sarah Leung

What is happening around Singapore? First was the collapse of Nicholl Highway just a week ago and was followed by the cave-in worksite at Ayer Rajar. These are the real tragedies happening in the country and it concerns all of us. Just what went wrong? No matter what, this shouldn*t be the time for finger-pointing. It should be a time where we review and change so as not to let history repeat itself. Lastly, my heart goes out to the casualties of the accidents.

Another shockwave sped by

I nearly jumped when I was at the corner of the stairs when an object just flashed towards me. We almost hit each other. At that sudden, I kept my eyes closed and hold my breath as if I could foresee a disaster to happen right before my eyes. I was in shock. Then came a strong American-slang *sorry* and I opened my eyes. Standing in front of me was this apple-pie! He is a fresh, spotless Chinese guy. Immediately, I was lost for words. I could have said ~It*s ok~ but I could not force out a word. Upon, seeing my reaction, he quickly added another apology. Both times he sounded sincere but the lather was more concern with the fright hanging on my face. I wish I could say something but I simply couldn*t. [After-thought: He looks familiar, I think I know him.]

2004-04-26T19:05:00.000+08:00

Re: Should I give him a chance?
-by Sarah Leung

As each day pass, the problems my friends faced are getting more and more challenging. However, it is not true that there is no answer to it. Try thinking quietly in the dark just before you close your eyes and you will find the answer. It has been hiding in a corner of your heart all the while. What you need to look for is not an answer but rather courage. As the choice has being made at the very beginning. What you were looking for in fact is some confirmation to boost your courage. You are hoping for people to nod their heads and give you support for what you think is right. The point here is: you are afraid of making the wrong decision.

Your best/close friends whom you entrust your darkest secrets (or even bank account) with can give you all sorts of comment but what you really agree with is what that*s on your mind. They will say things like **Listen to me, sweetie. It*s for your own good!** Yet from my personal experience, I mostly did not heed those *best-for-me* advices. I just don*t seem to see their point of view in my own light! Do they really know what*s good for you or how you feel? I bloody well don*t think so. The best answer is in your hands!

And my friends, once you have made your final decision: Stick to it, PLEASE! Don*t create more traps to fall under, it*s totally un-necessary.

2004-04-26T09:27:00.000+08:00

Feeling Scared
-by Sarah Leung

What is the one thing that makes you freak out? Crawly-creatures, dark or vegetables? Hey, no kidding! Some people are really scared of fruits and vegetables. There is one common answer: loneliness.

Loneliness happens to everyone, regardless if you are status or age. So what if you are married, you feel lonely too when your wife is out shopping with tai-tais and your precious children are ready for boarding school. One current trend, business outsourcing, resulted in separation of family members. They are located at different parts all over the world.

In addition, the older you get, the more aloof you will be because your once-young kids starts his family and your old partner is stuck on you. That*s why there is an increased number of elder suffering from depression.

But there*s nothing to fear! Scientifically, fears, sad and etc are just normal emotions that we use to express yourself. It*s because you are living thing therefore you have emotions. So next time you feel this way, tell yourself it*s alright, at least you know you*re still alive.

2004-04-23T22:12:00.000+08:00

What about me?
-by Sarah Leung

After a short break I*ll have to head back to campus again. Simply seeing my friends yet truck-load of work, there*s nothing bad about it but greedy me just want to prolong this week of comfort. Gone are the irritating phone rings, freezing project room and tensed nerves. It*s really peaceful back home. This whole week, all I need to think about was to get enough rest and do whatever I wanted that I don*t have time back then. And just when I know it, this is going to be my last block leave, so sad!
Just hours before I hit the bed, I*m squashing my brain juice here, trying to summarize my short leave into this little space here. In short, it has been wonderful as nothing *major* happened at home so I*m blessed with some days of peace. But if you ask me to extend my stay at home, I guess I can die! Too long of quiet can get boring.
Thinking back, most of the time I did go out only when my Mum wants to go shopping, pack up grocery, high-tea, late-tea, whatever! I*m really glad that she*s happy. I hope to do whatever I can to make her happy as I’m getting to understand the pain she*s going through. I used to say she*s making a scene of everything and I*m sorry for feeling that way now.
These few days are way too hot to stone, focusing on TV screen alone can make me sweat like a monkey without the air-con. I*m saddened by the new of the collapse of the Nicholl Highway. Yup, I was watching channel newsasia when it happened. Well, of course it*s nothing compared to the night in Pearly Hong Kong but I like that highway, overlooking the CBD area - HSBC building (is it still there?), especially at night the view is magnificent. We used to drive pass there when my Dad take us to marina for supper –> mouth-watering curry fish-head and seafood. Both I don*t eat. Ha!! But they loved it. Anyway, my Dad*s coming back next week and my Mum is more than happy about it. For that, I*m glad.

2004-04-15T15:49:00.000+08:00

Single = ?Lonely?
-by Sarah Leung

I read through a friend*s posting and started thinking, have I ever felt upset for not having someone to share my ups and downs with? I used to think about it a lot and the more I think about it, the unhappy I get. So now, I*ve decided to throw it out of the window. Well, it*s never easy but I know I*m trying and soon I*ll be able to get out of the blues.

Whenever, I overhear my friends* conversation about the fight last night with her/him, I*ll be trapped in confusion. Mixture of feelings surfaced within my heart. It sank because the magical love that I thought it should be proved me wrong and yet I felt glad that I*m at the eye of the hurricane, I escaped this storm.

Perhaps, I*ll feel differently when my status changes from single to attach. That*s the only way for me to solve the equation [Single = Lonely/Blessing?]

My dearest **diamonds** out there, never mind if u*re single cos u have me to keep u company.

2004-04-12T20:39:00.000+08:00

Don*t ever takes LOVE for granted
-by Sweet Muffin

A goody **Hi!** to all my friends as I seldom post new journal nowadays. Well, that*s because my hands are tied up with work. Hopefully, it will cool off a while so as to enjoy some peace.

Well, Guys u might not like this that I*m going to write now but nevertheless, I*ll say. Why do guys just love to be a two-timer? One love proves to be never enough for them. Of cos! It*s alright for single and available men to mix and meet different girls but committed ones should keep their hands in the pocket! Do they ever keep in mind their commitment to the relationship? Or have they forgotten the simple respect that they should give to their one and only girlfriend?

I*ve come across many examples of guys cheating on their partner and caused the once-beautiful-relationship to fall apart. I simply couldn*t understand? What can u get from the endless lying, the hassle of giving new excuses and forcing your best buddies to cover up for u? Let me tell u, it will be your worst nightmare come true, you will be ditched by your girl.

I admit it is always hard for us (ladies) to let go of a relationship. Especially, a long-term one but when we have to, we will do it. Never expect a lady to be soft-hearted after u have committed a sin such as playing games with her heart.

So *please* guys don't ever take your Girlfriend for granted!

P.S. Hey Babe, don*t bottom up your feelings, u know u can always look for me and I*ll give u my listening ears.

2004-04-04T11:40:00.000+08:00

Friends will always be friends
-by Sweet Muffin

Yesterday was my lucky day, I met a lot of friends at Suntec City. Friends that walked into my life at different time and places. Ha! One of them is my best gal friend at secondary school time and guess what? I saw her with her BF!! Ha! She can deny for all she wants but I just have to believe that he is not just a friend (even my mum saw through it) Come on! What*s the shame of shopping with your BF??

Anyway, we had a real nice talk at a quiet cafe and all of a sudden those old memories we shared came flashing across my mind. Our ex-teachers, who are going to be married in June and HEY!not just one but 2 couples all from our school (this is so exciting!). Our ex-classmates, ex-BFs and all kinds of old formalities (stupid speculations of who is most likely to get hitch first). It just seems like everything just happened yesterday. It*s really nice to develop this kind of familiarity with your friends. Cos* u just know, no matter how long u don't see each other, this feeling will always be there. And yes, they are always there when I needed them and only friends are forever.

To my dearest Cheryl, I know ya birthday is coming soon so please stop the hinting k? Thankz Gal for sharing all my sorrow!! Luv ya!!

2004-03-31T10:21:00.000+08:00

To tell or not to tell?
-by Sweet Muffin

Let*s say if u are pestered by an admirer and his presence became a disturbance to u, what would u do?

A friend of mine is in such a situation and she is cracking her head on how can she avoid him. But why don*t she just frankly tell him that she is not interested? Well, she gave me a very standard answer to that. **I dunno how to tell him** and because of that she is going through hell now.

What if I turn the table around and u are now the admirer, would u tell him/her that u like that person? Have u ever thought of the consequences of telling him/her your affections? I used to be bold and tell whoever I like that **hey, I think u r cute**. I*ll be extra nice to him and u can find me with his company all the time. But now, I don*t think that is a good idea. Basically, how sure he is that he likes u is more important. Cos* sometimes guys don*t really know what they are thinking ,it*s true. They might be giving u all the false indications and when u finds out the truth in the end, it*s too late cos* u are already hurt. Personally I feel that it is totally a waste of time.

My Advice: Wait for him to make the first move

2004-03-26T20:27:00.000+08:00

I feel my soul leaving my body
-by Sweet Muffin

I*m sitting in front of my computer now, came back just a few hours ago and took my dinner earlier. Today has been a busy day for me, with truck loads of calls to make. It was tiring but not as bad I thought it will be. However, I did encounter a few nasty respondents that set my nerves on fire. I shall leave that topic for the time being, until I feel better to complain about those morons.

Everyone that I met today asked me this standard question: **Oh my! Why do look like a ghost today?** Yup, I have to admit this, I do look like dead today (in fact all the time). I think I*ll need some chocolate to feel good. (Never under-estimate the power of chocolates) Right, I shall go get it if I have the time. Well, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow will be another busy day for me (wish me luck). Only after Monday will I get a breather. *Peace*

2004-03-25T16:25:00.000+08:00

Working OT anyone?
-by Sweet Muffin

It's Thursday and real *labor day* for me. I've got to work till 8 pm today. I'm not complaining but working overtime for my TEP is the last thing on my mind due to the starting of the major project. Ask Kelly and u will know how busy I am. Poor thing, I ignored her for the whole day. (Kelly: I'll make it up to u, don't worry ;)

I guess TEP is the real *money-making* business in NYP. Making full use of its resources to complete internal tasks. Polytechnic are truly education business, not education center.

It has been a long time since I go for *night-shopping*. Sometimes, it's good to unwind yourself in the nighttime. Go clubbing, shopping after work would do u more good than bad. Personally, I feel that going straight home after work is the worst thing on earth. Long-term of this habit would lead to unsounded mental health. (U will feel like banging your head against the wall)

Well, after this project, I'll need a break.

2004-03-24T08:50:00.000+08:00

Sleep at least 8 hrs a day
-by Sweet Muffin

I have a standard routine when it comes to resting. And whenever my *beauty sleep* is disturbed, i will feel exhausted the next day. Normally, i need 10 hrs of sleep(dun wow!) so as to feel energetic the following day. However, I'm surrounded by (night owl) friends that i dun know how they managed to survive till now.

I'll get very annoyed when my *best?* friends called me up as early as 2 in the morning. In my mind, i'm thinking *don't u need to sleep?* and they will nevertheless throw me back this stupid answer: *O, so u haven't sleep la!*- Hey! do u call just to find out if i'm really asleep at 2am when u clearly know that i have a very regular sleeping time @ 10pm??

My conversation with this irritating calls is always brief and simple that needs not use my brain. Starts with a *hmm*, never-ending of *yeah*, show that- i'm hearing u-with *okie* and ends with a *bye*. In the end, i catch no balls?! And when they start questioning me the next day, *hey! i THOUGHT i told u yesterday?* (It's last night, late at night to be exact!)

For all I know, they were actually talking to the sleep-dreaming me. So my friends PLEASE sleep early! Night!

2004-03-23T11:44:00.000+08:00

The simplest thing can be most joyful to have and own
-by Sweet Muffin

I'm extremely hungry today, feel like gobbling all 3 meals at once. Oh dear, I think i'm having a flu soon. My room here is like a cold storage it's freezing cold! Yet we could not adjust the air-con temperature, its controlled by the central system- whatever. I'm sitting here feeling cold and hungry, it's really terrible. I wonder what would happen to those children in the third-world countries. What would happen if i'm in their shoes? I think i would rather kill myself than to suffer for good. Sometimes, would u be in despair when u are hit by hard times? when life is not smooth sailing as u want it to be? But on the other hand, those poor children might be just thinking about filling their hunger and nothing else. Living in cities can be exhausting, following a mordernalized lifestyle that created all kinds of *needs* and *wants*. Seriously, they wouldn't be bothered with what color they want their hair to be, or must-have the latest handphone with this and that. These are all the things that made our life complex. However, I'm not condemning the benefits advanced technology and joy "wants" bring to us. I'm just explaining my worries that we would one day rely too much on these stuff and forgetting those simple pleasures in life. Like eating, I'm going for lunch now. Run!

2004-03-22T09:58:00.000+08:00

To have and to hold - at age 70 - is the most beautiful thing
-by Sweet Muffin

What is the most beautiful thing that happened in your life? All the time, I can*t help but wonder, what is the most wonderful moment in my life? To tell u the truth, until now i still could not find the answer.

But whenever i see old couples walking side by side slowly and holding on to each other for support, my eyes will somehow feel moist. To me that is the most beautiful moment captured. (Hey, i guess your parents are not so loving after all)

And here comes the big question, how did they manage to stay married for sooo long? (Think: At the beautiful moment of your life, would u ever stop to wonder *But how long will it last?*??) Marriage is difficult is a fact that was drilled into me throughout my growing up years. You could blame a failed marriage on incompatibility, extra-marital affairs, diverging career paths, lack of support and respect for each other. There are simply too many tempting reasons to divorce. In the past, getting a divorce is a strict *no-no* but nowadays it*s just like ditching an old handphone that easy.

This should sound familiar to u : **If two people don*t love each other any more, they should just divorce.** - I have found a new meaning to this statement- It*s easier to find something new than fix something old. So would u still stay for better or for worst? or choose a easy way out?

2004-03-20T11:16:00.000+08:00

How do u tell if a guy is telling the truth or simply lying?
-by Sweet Muffin

Hey, I know. I can always tell if a guy is just sweet-talking me, very seldom do I get *real* compliments. And what do u call guys that lie too much? Losers or Jerks? Personally, I refer them as Clowns because they have no idea that they are making a fool of themselves in front of me and I go a hearty *ha-ha*.

Why do guys wanna lie in the first place? If u have read this book Why Men Lie and Women Cry, u will know the answer [… focusing on a relationship is not a natural part of the male psyche, thinking or scale of priorities.] So they are always more sit back and say things like: *Whatever you decide is fine with me*. One thing women must remember is that men have a lot of pride (They need some shit to cover their face)

Do you hate it and get real angry when u know that *he* is lying again? I do in the beginning, wanting to scratch his *smirking* smile off his face but after a while (feeling: *What the hell!*), I feel cool as a cucumber again(Chanting: *May hell be with u*)

It*s not worth it my fair ladies. Boys will always be boys.

2004-03-18T20:40:00.000+08:00

There*s a Cinderella in every girl
- by Sweet Muffin

Modern women are lucky that they can now have a good job, receive high education or even owns a car, dog? But is that what women want ultimately?

When I was a kid, (I may still be a kid now) I always believe in fairy tales, making believe that there will be a day when I will be somebody*s princess. But as I grow older and along the way met some jerks (I still can*t get them out of my mind), yeah I* ve learnt my lesson Don*t be stupid

My mother, in fact, did warn me that I will have difficulties finding my Mr. Right. Well, sad but true, she*s right, what makes her think so? Cos* since young I always make her feel that I*m strong, independent, confident and stubborn it seems like I can take good care of myself. But hey, I dun need man who think like that alright?

I read this somewhere, the biggest joke of the year [Ironically, in my mid-20s, an ex-boyfriend broke up with me for someone else whom he subsequently married. His parting words to me were: **She needs me. I know u can take care of yourself**. I wanted to scream, **Yes, I know I can take care of myself but dun I need u too?**. What I did was wonder whether despite all that I had achieve on my own, was what I really wanted a man to make me feel complete?]

2004-03-18T13:12:00.000+08:00

ATT: "U KNOW WHO U ARE!!"

Hi~ (Brief but good enough...)

Well, dun really noe how to start this post... Hmm... I do noe that some of u don't really noe the existent of my message box, right?? I'm still not too sure what exactly happened... I'll try to figure that out myself... Yup... u should see a tag board beneath the archive... But... yup... some of my frenz feedback to me that it's invisible... yeah... it's free what do u expect!!

Up-coming event... haha... catching a movie on sat... i think there's one at 2.45pm... go check it out... then tell me if u want lunch together or wat... U decide!!! It's time u learn to make some decisions...so what if U R BAD AT MAKING DECISIONS!!

2004-03-13T15:48:00.000+08:00

Title: "With so little people, I don't think the seminar is going to start"

Hee... I'm back... had a busy day but it was fun... the seminar went smoothly and I think it was great... except for a 'guy' who is dame ugly and was in white shirt!!!With pimples all over his face- serve him right!! He is the most unreasonable person I have ever seen... Believe me, he did not behave what a man should... not a gentleman... he's a toad!!! Sucks big time!!
He was nasty towards my ushers and me... and even to a lecturer...I'm gonna wish him dead man!! Not at least corporative!! What a disgrace to all MAN out there... Believe me or not, I have registered his face in my head... I'll twist off his neck if I see him again... So that he could change his 'head'... plastic surgery will not help!!!